Robots. Ninjas.

Normally, when placed together, one would think that these two fantastical beings would combine into a wonderful being, full of stealthy automaton magic, and this is what I expected from the movie Robot Ninja. Indeed, the name Robot Ninja leads one to think of battles involving not only throwing stars, but also lasers. There would be the normal robotic anarchy involved in taking over the world from we unsuspecting humans, but strictly under the code of ninjitsu. The excitement would be nonstop! Robots! Ninjas!

Alas, the truth is harsher than we can comprehend. Robot Ninja�s box promises the viewer all of that excitement and more, proclaiming in large letters, �Tonight, he�s deadlier than ever!� and that �The ultimate super-hero of the future has arrived!�

Then again, the box also leads us to believe that there will actually be robots or ninjas in this movie.

Robot Ninja is actually the story of a comic book artist. If this isn�t enough to make you want to smash the video, the introduction credits will be. Not only did the movie writer/director/producer/editor/costar/music composer J. R. Bookwalter (remember this name, it will come in handy when composing your �People To Beat Up� list) just buy a computer graphic program that required him to make every name to do an annoying fade-out effect, but it also tells the entire story of the movie. In comic book format. Unfortunately, this fact doesn�t occur to you until you�ve actually seen the movie twice, which is about two times more than a normal human can withstand.

Lenny Miller is our comic book artist �hero.� He�s enraged at the world because the head of the comic book company that sells his work has sold the rights to make a TV show of it, and they made it campy, �Like the 60�s Batman series,� as the comic book head says. In a touching act of irony, Bookwalter cast Burt Ward, the actor who played Robin in said series, as the comic book producer! Ha, ha! Terrific, especially considering all you can think of is how hollow Burt Ward�s life is when he has to play in movies shot with home video cameras and flashlights.

Most of the movie is Lenny running around, whining to his little buddy, Dr. Goodknight. Luckily for Lenny Miller, he gets a chance to bail his character when he runs into a gang of incompetent criminals driving around in someone�s mom�s van. When he sees them assaulting a couple that put up the fight of a three-year-old, he tries to save the couple. Fortunately for said criminals, he has even less competence than they, and the couple is killed while he is left to die.

Sadly, the police come and save Lenny. When he gets back, he has a brilliant plan--to illustrate the entire assault in his comic book. Now his comic can be suitably dark, and the families of the victims can be suitably traumatized again!

But that�s not all. Oh, no. We must suffer longer. Lenny has another great idea. He tells Dr. Goodknight to make him a suit just like that of his character, Robot Ninja, so he can �take revenge� on the criminals. Never mind the fact it�d probably be a far cheaper and far more effective revenge if you just told the gang boss� mom that she�s using her van all night. However, this does mean that we get the exciting scene of Dr. Goodknight going to the hardware store. Apparently, all you need to build a working robot ninja suit is a drill, some saw blades, a handful of assorted screws and nails, sandpaper, and a roll of duct tape. While I�m fully confident in the skills of duct tape, it seems like the completed product has no duct tape on it whatsoever. Also, when Goodknight comes to the counter, the clerk actually is surprised by this much stuff. If this clerk is impressed by a handful of assorted metal bits, I�d hate to see him when people come in to buy supplies to say, remodel a house.

One important thing to note about this movie is that it is unforgivably gory. Not in the realistic, makes-you-sick sense, but in the ketchup-filled hilarious way. Nothing stops Lenny Miller in his Halloween costume! Whether he�s stabbing people in the neck and not leaving a cut or being stabbed in the arm repeatedly by bad guys who have guns but don�t seem to use them, he�s a nonstop powerhouse.

There is, however, one scene that makes me wince every time I have to go through it (not that the whole movie isn�t a reason to wince, but we�re talking about gore here). This scene involves a ruined artery and a piece of plastic piping. It also involves a comic book artist on about eight bottles of No-Doz. You, my friends, may add in the rest. Other horrendous scenes include Miller�s dreams, which involve guys walking around with ramen noodles falling out of their chests.

All in all, the gore is so campy that if it weren�t for the fact that Sanchez, our leading lady villain, used the f-word every two words, the movie wouldn�t have been rated R.

Sanchez is, in and of herself, a mystery. She seems bound and determined to drive around in a van yelling expletives and saying clich� phrases when she kills people, but she has no real purpose or motivation. Oh, I suppose Mr. Bookwalter, in his infinite wisdom, could say that she�s just evil and needs no motivation. I�d like something, though. Is her bandana perhaps two sizes too small? Has she just seen far too many of her minions killed by comic book artists? Does she have a van fixation? What is it?

I won�t go into the end of the movie, because it�s supposed to be a surprise ending. It is, however, the least-surprising surprise of all time, I�ll let you know that much.

However, the credits make the movie into one grand mobius strip. Again, like the opening credits, the closing credits tell you the entire story of the movie, so that by the end of this movie you�ve actually seen the whole horrendous ordeal three times. This final time is told in song, though, and is by far the most catchy and enjoyable telling of the plot. In fact, I could sing this song all day!

�Late one night, in a make-shift lab.

Late one night. I AM ROBOT NINJA!�