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- 02.04.05 - 22:27 The Pope finally passed on, as I found out midway through the workday. I guess it didn't sink in too much, or didn't mean too much--I've been "ex-Catholic" for about a decade or so by now. But it's been interesting how, almost without fail, ex-Catholicism has been my religion, my defining point. It's as if I'm not really moved out, just on vacation elsewhere. No, John Paul's death doesn't touch me in and of itself. Rather, it brings up the old questions of faith, of where my spirituality wants to go, of what I am making of myself. Now, away even from academics, I miss the comfort of being a religious studies major. I'm just here in a city working and learning what it is to compromise with others. There are hard lessons here, but I'm no closer to discovering some "life purpose," and I'm clearly further away than ever from any spirituality at all. At least I'm looking at my own spirituality tonight, rather than just being oblivious to it. Because of John Paul's death, PBS re-aired Frontline's '98-or-'99 episode about him. And during it, an actress (the website refers to her as a caberet singer. I think the clip there is the same I'm speaking of, so you can see it yourself) who is also an ex-Catholic began speaking of how, while she's relatively happy being an atheist, she still finds herself occasionally called back, deep inside, to the religion she grew up with. She spoke of how, in particular, when entering empty churches on her own, or during Christmas, or when walking down abandoned hallways or streets she would hear--or, indeed, sing--one hymn from her childhood. And what was so damn eerie is that this same hymn--"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel"--is the same one I can't get out of my head around Christmas, the same one I sing in when lost and too nervous to ask directions, the same one that fills me with such a sense of depressed longing. Perhaps it is just the dumb fact that the song is in minor key that both she and I find it a song of longing, but it was strange to find that another finds it the ultimate song of waiting, and loss.And ransom captive Israel That mourns in lonely exile here Until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel. 2. Oh, come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free 3. Oh, come, Thou Dayspring from on high, 4. Oh, come, Thou Key of David, come
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