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I have always been amused by pirates. I can't help but think that I'm probably the worst person you could bring on to a pirate ship, because I'd just laugh at them non-stop. I don't know exactly what it is about pirates that is so very amusing: if it's the way they seem to be able to answer everything with the sound "YARR!" or if it's their sheer lack of luck with keeping body parts like eyes and hands and legs attached.

At any rate, to amuse myself further, I have compiled a list to help you become a pirate. You know, in case you ever need to become one for some reason.

-Run with scissors. I know, I know: your mom told you not to. But do you know why she didn't want you to? Because it'll put an eye out! And you want your eye put out. Eyepatches are proven to make you ten times more piratey.

-Develop a rather awkward accent and lingo. If you can make up a word that'll confuse non-pirates or even your rival pirates, by all means, do so. WARNING: do not tamper with already-established pirate lingo. Be sure to tell people to "Walk the plank," say "Aye me mateys," and call your crew "sea dogs."

-If you happen to be some mountain pirate who steals from alpacas or some other sort of freak non-sea pirate, don't call your crew "sea dogs." This will confuse them. Find a more acceptable derogatory term. Like "smelly mountain goat."

-Do not randomly attack other ships. At least construct some acceptable excuse for opening fire. It'll make your crew feel a little better about you when the other ship defends itself, taking you and your men hostage.

-Don't mock pirates with both eyes. Sure, they aren't as piratey, but heck--they have depth perception.

-Be fair to your crew. Always give them a large cut of the loot.

-Remember: if someone asks you the question, "Professor, what's another word for pirate treasure?" the answer is BOOTY. Booty, booty, booty.

-Don't hire someone easily inebriated as your first mate. It's quite silly, and bad pirateship. I mean, really. What happens when he accidently drinks out of the wrong glass when not looking at lunch, and then you have him drive your ship? He'll just run it into the nearest city.

-While pirates don't have to smell like sweat and body odor all the time, they shouldn't smell like "apricot berry" either.

-Conjure up a good reason for being a pirate. The more sad the story, the better the points. Example: "My dog ate spam once. Only once. Then he died. And that's why I'm a pirate."

-Get a proper pirate outfit. The more frilly and extravagant, the better. Remember that no one can make fun of your outfit, because you've got hooks for hands. One giggle at your notion of crop tops being part of an acceptable uniform, and you can knock 'em out.

-When capturing rival pirates, be sure to kill their parrots. Parrots can fly away and repeat an SOS message to your rival pirate's buddies, letting them find and DESTROY you.

-No matter what sort of pirate you are--an air pirate, a sea pirate, a desert pirate... you ARE. A. MAN. OF. THE. SEA!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice night! ^_^