A quick explination before I get cracking: I collect Jack T. Chick tracts. In a bizarre one-person game I've formulated, the religious comics have become an endless scavanger hunt. I want to get them all one day, but there are rules: I can't write to him and order them--I must find them. And I've found a few to date--on the ground, in bathroom stalls, at stores. Here is my first Chick tract, and its story.

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Ah, NO FEAR. My first Chick tract, and, to be honest, one of my favorites. You can read the text here--and believe me, it's worthwhile. A story about a boy and his noose, this is by far one of Jack's most entertaining works.

I found it on the floor at Costco, a bulk wholesale store. While I'm sure people who buy 50-count packs of toilet paper do need some sort of salvation, I'm not so sure this particular tract is the one to be dropping. The Mad Machine or How to Get Rich, sure. It is a bulk retail store, after all. Maybe even the ever-popular This Was Your Life would be appropriate--after all, the guy in that one just keels over inexplicably in front of a new car. But I'm not too sure about No Fear. No Fear is a tract you give out in middle schools or at teen poetry readings. Maybe some innocent Baptist got bumped and dropped his comic. Either way, it was truly a fortuitous day for me.

No Fear is, as I've said, one of the more enjoyable Chick tracts (I highly recommend you read some--they are some of the best cheap entertainment online, without even meaning to be. And the net versions are just the same as the hard copies, although there is something to be said about having a little bit of Chick paraphernalia of your own) to date. Many of his tracts are boring renditions of biblical stories--and it's not like we haven't heard enough of those in sunday school, Mr. Chick. We want your stories. They're always the best. Anything about witchcraft or suicide is bound to be a winner with this fine man.

Now, I'm asuming you're all going to be good kids and read the tract. Furthermore, I can't link or scan any single pages, as Mr. Chick is awfully fond of copyright laws, so I can't really do a page-by-page analysis. Lord knows I want to, but you know how it is. However, I will detail my favorite scenes.

One: I love Dolly and Lance's communication issues. Lance clearly says she can't tell anyone, and the dumb broad says "Okay... just my sister." I mean, Dolly, honey! Didn't you see that the word "anyone" was in all caps, and bold italics? That means you can't tell ANYONE, especially not your inept sister who..

Two: ...goes for a priest at a funeral. Now, I'm sure priests have fairly decent counciling skills. But isn't that priest sort of already working? Don't these kids have... I don't know... mothers? Can't she call a hotline? 911? Anything? Apparently not--all she can do is transport mystically (note that she has no car) to a cemetery far enough away that they need to drive back, and pick up the...

Three: SUPER FUCKIN' NINJA PRIEST. Look at that mofo go go go! His first line shows he's ready to rumble--the only dialogue bigger than his "Let's go!" in the comic is "TERRIFIED!!" Also, note he said "Let's go!" and not something like, "Roll out!" or "Boooyaaaka!" That's right, Priest don't need no catch phrases. He means business. Of course, the best is when sister forgot her keys (probably dropped them in the astral plane when she magically transported to the cemetery) and the rocker kicks open the door. Now, I'm no seminary grad, but I was unaware that priests have job descriptions comparable with FBI agents. And, when ninja-action-pastor does save Dolly, he brings us to...

Four: ...his utterly un-madd councilin' skillz. Seriously, if this guy stopped me from committing suicide, I'd politely wait until he left, and proceed in murdering myself in a more bloody and painful fashion. The minute he saves her, he lets her know--in no mincing words--that her friend is going to BURN IN ETERNITY. Well, holy shit! Can't the lecture wait until after we've healed a bit? Can't we just stop by a psychotherapy ward, have a nice sit-down, think about what we've done, and then, maybe in a few years, deal with any theological aspect of this whole shebang? No, no, we can't--let's just jump into the depressing shit.

Finally, I do enjoy the factuality of this whole comic. The fact that both Lance and Dolly have homes with uncovered rafters and several yards of uncoiled rope blows my mind. Chick, in his haste, apparently forgot that pills are the most common route of suicide. He could have had some creativity. I'd be stoked to see a razor blade. But, alas, Chick loves the rope.

Yes, all in all, No Fear is a well-rounded tract. Action, adventure, and inept siblings--it's all here for you. And for my collection.